One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday and my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to I give my girlfriend a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, there was no time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family.., aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and the embarrassment seemed to last an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply salutes him as usual. Clinton says, "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full." The Marine replied, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!" President Clinton responds, "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!" The Marine replies, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks, Sir!" The President then responds, "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea." The Marine guard then replied, "Yes Sir! Good trade, Sir!"flatuence (flach-u-lens) n.
A Texan girl from and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, says," So, where y'all from?" The New Yorker snootily replies, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The Texan girl sat thoughtfully for a few moments and then replied, " So, where y'all from, bitch?"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I get in touch with my inner sociopath.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents. It may be that my sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the very attractive woman playing in front of him. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and she turns out to also be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot and on seeing that she doesn't have a car, offers her a lift home. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning that is topped off when on the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can really show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they passionately kiss before she surprises him with the best oral loving he has ever received.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly bruised by the defeat the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last hole, again she shows her deep appreciation on the drive home.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This becomes a sore point for his macho ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He's taken aback by her sudden modesty but eventually after prodding she admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and overcome with emotion, curses madly. "I'm so sorry," she repeatedly sobs.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Three men were discussing aging on the porch of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at there and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy-year-old, "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet for hours and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the eighty-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all." "Oh, do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the sixty-year-old. "No ...not really. I piss like a race horse-no problem at all every morning at 6AM." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?" asked the seventy-year-old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?" To which the eighty-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until ten".I love cats ... So many recipes, so few cats.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson wistfully replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you, Watson?"
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Metaphysically, it tells me that Spirit is with us and all we see is one, that we are a piece of God. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent."
Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "Your going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring *Typical white man - can only think of one thing.*
The second day the chief says, "What your wish today?".
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse returns with a naked redhead. She gets off the horse and goes in the tepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads and think *typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.* The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "READ MY LIPS!!! POSSE, DAMN IT! P-O-S-S-E!
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed." Poof! And just like that...her ears fell off.
Dick has been slugging away in the high-pressure computer industry for 25 years and is finally burned out an sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the north country as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing his dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded lumberjack type guy standing there.
"M'names Enoch... Yer neighbour from four miles over da ridge... I'm havin' a Christmas party Saturday...thought you'd like to come?"
"Great, says Dick, after six months of solitude I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn ya ther's gonna be some drinkin"
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Dick thinks, tough crowd. "Well, I get along with most people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Dick, "Remember I've been alone for six months so I can handle that! I'll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, the lady didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied. Finally she eyed him carefully and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."All those who believe in telekinesis please raise my hand.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
I plead contemporary insanity.
After I asked for a half-pound trout fillet at my supermarket's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces. Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?" Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Three women - one German, one Japanese and a Newfie were sitting naked in a Spa. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "Dat vas me pager," she said. "I've got'it microchip ..under skin of arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished talking to her hand, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Newfoundlander felt decidedly low tech. But not to be outdone; she decided she had to do something just as impressive. With a moment of thought she stepped out of the sauna and went to the washroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her disbelief. The Newfie woman finally said,"Lord Thunderin', will you look at that, ..I'm getting a fax."
Half of humanity is below average.
AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. It had manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call British Hospitality?" "No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
A guy walks into an Alabama bar and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful excuse for a Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers to the others, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." The mortician exclaimed, "What? He had two assholes?!" And Gomer sincerely explained, "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes'."
I had a bunch of American dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line... just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller.. "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, ůsurely I can't look that old? I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such notion. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
Hmmm,...or could he??? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Bay City High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a blackcat!," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "Back in 1965. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled rascal asked, "What did you teach?
Remember: "A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying ... WE screwed up!"
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