Solaris Light

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Little Johnny breaks wind in the classroom again. This is not the first time he has done this and his teacher gets really upset with him this time and sends him out. He goes and sits outside the class but he can't stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Now, Johnny, what are you doing sitting out here laughing ?"
Little Johnny says, "I broke wind in class and Miss threw me out"
The principle says, "Quite rightly! So, why are you laughing ?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause those silly buggars are still sitting in class with the result of my effort, and they put me outside in this beautiful fresh air!"

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "Were getting pretty big, so I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say, "hell" and you say "ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!!!!."

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says, "Hey, what're you doing up there?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come on up and join me." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey as they smoke a few joints. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to go get a drink from the river. Although when the lizard gets to the river he is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him safely to the riverbank, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree smoking pot with a monkey when he got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey to get his attention and says, "hey!" the monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck...how much water did you drink?!?!"

Concerned Parents Association press release
Subject: 24 Key points to ponder when Raising Boys
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O is in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17 .) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute respect time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Women will share this with almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
a) For those with no children - this is a totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d ) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.